By Toby Holley LMHC of Professional Christian Counseling
As a mental health counselor with over 20 years of experience, I have observed that relationships are a vital part of our emotional well-being, and they play a significant role in defining the quality of our lives. As I often tell my clients, “We are designed for connection. It is through our relationships that we find meaning, purpose, and joy in life.” We all have various types of relationships, such as intimate relationships, friendships, and relationship with God. In all of these relationships, the way we communicate can either build a strong connection or exert control.
When seeking to develop healthy relationships, it’s crucial to focus on building a connection rather than taking control. Connection requires a language and attitude of vulnerability, allowing ourselves to be seen and heard, and sharing our thoughts and emotions with others. This type of communication is collaborative and allows both parties to have a voice, promoting empathy and understanding.
On the other hand, control requires little communication and can be driven by anxiety, fear, or the need to fix or prevent something from happening. It often involves telling rather than asking, dictating rather than collaborating, and leaving no room for the other person’s opinion or desires. It may seem like the right thing to do, but it can hurt the very thing you intend to protect – the relationship.
Therefore, it’s essential to be cautious and intentional with our words and actions when communicating with others. Signs of control include the use of words such as should, must, need, and expect, which leave no room for the other person’s perspective. Instead, we should focus on building connection by being vulnerable, compassionate, and empathetic in our communication. True love is about being vulnerable and not having power over others.
Two important principles to remember when it comes to developing healthy relationships are: prioritizing connection over control, and understanding that being loving is powerful, but being powerful is not necessarily lovable. By keeping these ideas in mind, we can cultivate relationships that are grounded in empathy, vulnerability, and mutual respect, leading to greater satisfaction and well-being in our lives.
In conclusion, developing healthy relationships requires a focus on building a strong connection and avoiding control. It’s important to be aware of the language we use and be intentional with our words and actions. By promoting vulnerability, empathy, and understanding, we can create connections that bring joy and fulfillment to our lives.